This is a take-off on a phrase many of my Hillsdale brethren will know well.
The thoughts I have now - especially nearing what we are hoping as much as any one (or many) can hope - are those along the lines of whereto from here? I don't want to continue down the same path. Despite what has happened, there would be something else prompting this thought - some other happening, some other occasion - but I rarely have the strength or courage to say it out loud. Steph having cancer was a shock and regardless of the outcome (and for those reading this and who are not in the know, the outlook is fantastic) it changes things forever. I know that life will go back to some norm when this is all over, but I have a feeling that some hint of the aftertaste of the experience will follow us for the rest of our lives.
So, the big question that awaits an answer is which thoughts will have the greatest consequences? Every few days or weeks, I move in and out of a shell. There is a period of time where the only thing I can concentrate on are Steph and what it means to care for and watch someone go through the things she has endured and then the shell-shock of experiencing the world around me as I come out of the cave. The reality of today - each time I return from my retreat - is disturbing, at best. For years, the change towards the problem is someone else's has been gradual. What I mean is the subtile changes in average the average citizen's opinion that someone else will be held accountable for their failures (but of course, not for their successes - for that they alone are responsible). I'm scared by the constant move towards collectivism - as if, it is the only solution out there - and this move is brash in some instances and very meek in others. But, the march goes on.
Through life's experiences, you are confronted with those big things. Everyone is. The big things have always made me go back to wanting to take my own responsibility for my actions and the regret of having bowed to the opinions and advice of others when it was really my (or my and Steph's) opinion(s) that made the biggest difference. The subtile message was that, we, as individuals, knew best. As we move forward, picking up certain pieces, it is hard not to see where we mistakenly took the advice of others because of a certain respect we thought owed to them (for whatever reason). Luckily, these were not big mistakes and life has treated us well. But, they have been important enough decisions to have made a difference.
I want to change that. I know I can't always make my own decision. Survival (the type I would like to continue to enjoy) requires some amount of pragmatism. I stand before the precipice of which thoughts?
